Now that I have a whole month off work and spend it mainly slouched on the sofa binge watching Fringe (Jesus, that show has so many episodes!) I felt, well, a little unshapely. Try this for 2 weeks and you’ll know what I mean. After a particularly heavy takeaway curry on a day where the peak of my exercise was going back and forth to the toilet and a detour to the kitchen to get more food, I decided I should probably do a detoxy type thing before Christmas hits me hard on the hips.
After careful research, I chose the plan that came up first in Google when searching for “7 day detox plan”. I mean, I trust Google to know what I like.
This diet plan meant I could eat anything I’d like….as long as it wasn’t meat, dairy, alcohol, wheat, oils, salt or sugar.
Since I am allowed porridge (with water yay) and potatoes, I didn’t think it was gonna be very hard. Well my first dinner of a baked potato with tuna (yes, am allowed fish as long as it’s not in brine) and sweetcorn didn’t seem so bad. I mean, flavour is so overrated and moisture, I love my food to taste of potato and the tuna to stick to the roof of my mouth due to delicious dryness.
Smoothie for breakfast might sound energising and motivating but in reality it made me feel cold inside and full while being empty. Like when you’re hungry and drink a pint of water and then a hobo punches you right in the gut. I don’t know why it had to be a hobo, I assume their punches feel more dodgy.
My dinner is another potato with some tuna (the devil’s dandruff). No sweetcorn. I am starting to think this might not be so easy.
I skipped breakfast because who needs disappointment so early in a day?
All day I think of booze, I even fancy cracking open the bottle of rose in the fridge. Man, am I an alcoholic? I watch Peep Show and they mention Brandy. I don’t like Brandy but I could have slapped a small child for a glass.
My dinner is slightly more promising. A stir fry of rice noodles (yes noodles are cool as long as they’re made of rice) with various veg. I was frying that shit up with a grin on my face until I reached for the soy sauce by default and it dawned on me. No salt. No soy sauce = no flavour.
So I threw back this insult to Asian heritage and went to bed.
Kill me. Kill me now.
I can see the finish line, but after a crappy salad with no dressing apart from balsamic vinegar (oh, did I tell you I can have balsamic? Great isn’t it? Yeah, until that taste is clamped round your taste buds for 5 days straight, then you just want to piss in it.) I decide to take a deep breath and find inner peace with my stomach. Nope, still want that Brandy.
I am miserable, lethargic and snappy as fuck. Who the f*ck thinks eating like this will give you energy?! I might be healthier but my happiness is depleted to 0. Contemplating licking my sweaty pit for some flavour. I can reach, I have tried.
I plan the stuff I am going to eat tomorrow. I plan sausages for breakfast, coffee all day and tea and dim sum and eggs and cheese and a pint of red wine. I cry an ugly tear just thinking of reuniting with my friend salt.
So 7 days equated to a lot of misery, snappiness, no energy and a loss of 5.5 pounds.
Was it worth it? Well no, but it helped me continue eating better ever since and hey, I really don’t miss those pounds.
But by all means, do it, you may not want to end your life like me after a mere 48 hours.