The 7 Days of Christmas Detox

Now that I have a whole month off work and spend it mainly slouched on the sofa binge watching Fringe (Jesus, that show has so many episodes!) I felt, well, a little unshapely. Try this for 2 weeks and you’ll know what I mean. After a particularly heavy takeaway curry on a day where the peak of my exercise was going back and forth to the toilet and a detour to the kitchen to get more food, I decided I should probably do a detoxy type thing before Christmas hits me hard on the hips.

After careful research, I chose the plan that came up first in Google when searching for “7 day detox plan”. I mean, I trust Google to know what I like.


This diet plan meant I could eat anything I’d like….as long as it wasn’t meat, dairy, alcohol, wheat, oils, salt or sugar.


Day 1:

Since I am allowed porridge (with water yay) and potatoes, I didn’t think it was gonna be very hard. Well my first dinner of a baked potato with tuna (yes, am allowed fish as long as it’s not in brine) and sweetcorn didn’t seem so bad. I mean, flavour is so overrated and moisture, I love my food to taste of potato and the tuna to stick to the roof of my mouth due to delicious dryness.

Day 2:

Smoothie for breakfast might sound energising and motivating but in reality it made me feel cold inside and full while being empty. Like when you’re hungry and drink a pint of water and then a hobo punches you right in the gut. I don’t know why it had to be a hobo, I assume their punches feel more dodgy.

My dinner is another potato with some tuna (the devil’s dandruff). No sweetcorn. I am starting to think this might not be so easy.

Day 3:

I skipped breakfast because who needs disappointment so early in a day?

All day I think of booze, I even fancy cracking open the bottle of rose in the fridge. Man, am I an alcoholic? I watch Peep Show and they mention Brandy. I don’t like Brandy but I could have slapped a small child for a glass.

My dinner is slightly more promising. A stir fry of rice noodles (yes noodles are cool as long as they’re made of rice) with various veg. I was frying that shit up with a grin on my face until I reached for the soy sauce by default and it dawned on me. No salt. No soy sauce = no flavour.

So I threw back this insult to Asian heritage and went to bed.

Day 4:

Kill me. Kill me now.

Day 5:

I can see the finish line, but after a crappy salad with no dressing apart from balsamic vinegar (oh, did I tell you I can have balsamic? Great isn’t it? Yeah, until that taste is clamped round your taste buds for 5 days straight, then you just want to piss in it.) I decide to take a deep breath and find inner peace with my stomach. Nope, still want that Brandy.

Day 6: 

I am miserable, lethargic and snappy as fuck. Who the f*ck thinks eating like this will give you energy?! I might be healthier but my happiness is depleted to 0. Contemplating licking my sweaty pit for some flavour. I can reach, I have tried.

Day 7: 

I plan the stuff I am going to eat tomorrow. I plan sausages for breakfast, coffee all day and tea and dim sum and eggs and cheese and a pint of red wine. I cry an ugly tear just thinking of reuniting with my friend salt.

So 7 days equated to a lot of misery, snappiness, no energy and a loss of 5.5 pounds.

Was it worth it? Well no, but it helped me continue eating better ever since and hey, I really don’t miss those pounds.

But by all means, do it, you may not want to end your life like me after a mere 48 hours.

Happy Christmas.



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