We are still fat from Christmas, there are dregs of alcohol still in your house and you are hungover from Quality Streets.
The one thing you have in mind now, according to a recent surge in articles, is finding someone to share the leftover toffee pennies with.
But where to start? Since we can buy houses, furniture, medicine and hot dog stuffed crust pizza online, why not also start dating online?
Like a takeaway, you have the options of different websites, unlike takeaways, you don’t have to pay to see the meat (mostly).
Some might even be named after foodstuffs like Plenty of Fish.
But to find your catch, you must first lay out your bait otherwise you might be swamped by unsuitable people and it might give you a haddock to sort through them, ok enough fish puns…
Anyway, the point is, you don’t want to write stuff that everyone hates, here’s a list of things to avoid according to BBC readers.
But what if you just aren’t a writer? What if you are more of a Harry Potter reader and less of a the complete works of the romantic poet and visionary William Blake?
But you may feel you are worth more than most of the numpties on that bloody website, well ok then, here are some nice tips on how to structure your profile.
1. Be honest, like properly
No one likes liars. But sometimes you lie because it makes things easier. But one thing you should avoid is lying on these profiles because once it gets serious, you will have to fess up and it’s no basis to start a relationship on. Sometimes being brutally honest might also get you somewhere.
Don’t go to the gym? Well, declare this, you don’t want some active outdoorsy person making your weekends hell by forcing you to go rock climbing.
Eat pizza in your pants on a regular basis? There’s no shame in that, we all do it. You get the idea, make your weaknesses a strength, or some other bullshit that can be applied to most situations.
2. Don’t talk about your kid, best friends, family or exes
You think that’s a bit harsh? Since these people are what made you the person you are today? Doesn’t matter, this is about you, not the people around you and obsessively mentioning them to strangers will give them little to no insight as they don’t know them. Your kid may be Damian, your best friend Hitler, your family the Mansons and your ex Louise Mensch, so there’s not much that can be drawn from it.
3. Don’t know how to be funny? Be kind!
Not everyone can write with as much wit as, let’s say myself, but what you can do is show people you are kind and unpretentious.
How? Write a story of kindness in your ‘about me’ section, to give an example of your person. Remember point 1 and maybe be honest about the fact you aren’t the most funny writer and especially not about yourself so something that happened to you might illustrate your character much better. Then tell a story that has made you proud, happy or any other positive emotion.
4. Interests… What interests?
You don’t want to admit you love Arnold Schwarzenegger perhaps or that the most you cried in recent time was when you watched Marley and Me, but you don’t have to get into detail of each and every crappy film you might have enjoyed. Pick some old favourites that have stood the test of time and also mention that you enjoy rubbish films to give things a balance. Because, unless you kid yourself, everyone likes some rubbish films. The same goes for TV and books.
The much dreaded word. Do people still have hobbies in 2014? Apparently so, according to that big white answer box which stubbornly remains as empty as a Blockbusters on… any night of the week.
So you don’t ride a bike, learn a new language, go for runs, travel or knit? You instead watch TV, eat take outs and go to the pub? Not a problem!
I refer back to point 1 once more, be honest! If you say you’d like to be more active and take up… tandem biking, that’s not technically a lie, unless you really hate tandem bikes. If the most workout you get is lifting pints at pubs, well maybe formulate it as trying to squeeze in as much fun as possible but things are always much more fun in twos, then it doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Well maybe just at least take up knitting…
6. Your profile picture!
If all of your photos are selfies and all taken at the same place in your house, it’s pretty fucking damning. Like news, no one wants to read old headlines. If you can’t find flattering photos of you, take some! Make sure to include at least one very recent picture in your profile. Try and have some of not just your face.
Mix it up and sometimes they don’t just have to show everyone how beautiful you are but that you do stuff, outside your place. Also don’t put group photos in and just blur your friends in the photos, it looks like the sort of stuff you see on Watchdog. And never ever have your child in the photo, this is about you and you should only bring in your child once you know whether someone is decent or not.
And that is it!
If you chat to someone nice, don’t hesitate and wait months to meet them, chemistry cannot be felt through an email.
Share your profile tips if you have any!