5 Rules For Loving Your Penis

Lia Schopmeyer
After I read the strict rules that Suzanne Moore published on the Guardian yesterday on how men should manage their penises, I felt sad because every single rule was a “Do Not”.

But fret not schlong humans, I am bringing you a positive, happy list of how to love your penis to balance out the negative press your Bratwurst has gotten over the last few weeks.

#1 Polish your Penis

Moore told men to BE CLEAN OR ELSE, comparing the vast hygiene range for women’s spam wallets with that of men. It is quite sad that Mr P. Enis doesn’t get as much variety when it comes to giving a spring clean for a good night out. Men like products, that’s for sure. I believe my boyfriend owns more Spa type luxury products for his face than me. Now THAT’S  gap in the market.

not this gap

Fear not, because I am sure you can re-purpose other products to give the best impression! You may well be familiar with the use of lotions but this time, maybe use a fast absorbing one. And for the hot summer days, Vaseline has a lovely spray lotion out. It’s like Lynx but without the lingering smell of heavy-petting teenagers.

A well to do penis is the admiration of every straight woman and probably gay man (survey done on zero gay men).

#2 Free your Penis

And when I say “free” I don’t mean let it hang out in public. Unless it’s a lonely green oasis, where the wind will gently caress your turkey twizzler like a fan assisted oven.

I mean go nude more often at home. I know that there are trepidation of walking about naked when your partner is around. A flaccid Johnson may not, in your head, be the most attractive sight, but trust me, a naked man doing his daily chores is an equally handsome delight as seeing a shaven bear.

That wasn’t a euphemism, WHAT IS THIS.

Not only will fresh air be liberating but it will keep your love cage dry in humid weather.

#3 Trim Your Front Yard

Now this is more about the area around your Eiffel tower, you may not want to go overboard and shave all your pubes off, but a trim is always recommended. Don’t use razors, rashes and angry red patches of ingrown hair is not pretty, instead use your trimmer and shear it like you would a sheep. Gently, until it’s baaa baaa beautiful.

"A number 3 please. And you keep stumm Louise!"

“A number 3 please. And you keep stumm Louise!”

Not only will there be no fur balls for women if you are a lucky enough fella, but the trim will have the side effect of making your choked chicken appear larger.

#4 100% Cotton it up!

We spoke about being naked, but for those rare occasions where society dictates one must be dressed, having clean, deliciously comfortable underwear will not only treat your drain pipe but also your balls. The choice is between too loose, too tight and just right. Think of it as Goldicocks.

“I really shouldn’t have had a third helping of gruel”

No one likes polyester, it’s the threads of the devil. A very sweaty, tepid devil. Go 100% cotton, forget silk, there’s nothing more off putting than a shiny junk. Unless you’re Iron Man, but then he has a lot of money and Pepper Pots.

#5 Be Proud

Take pride in your your angry inch. No one may ever compliment you on your beautiful groin so it’s important to give it enough love. You may choose to give it a name (please don’t) but definitely hold your python proud and grip its shape like you would an ergonomically shaped bottle of pop. It’s part of you, it isn’t a removed being. Love it and love yourself and it will happily rear its spongy head.

You can love your dick, just don’t be one is the message.



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